depressive episode /

5 Ways I Reset My Life after a Depressive Episode

Living with depression means depressive episodes come and go. When I was on the healing path (I still am), but when I was really in it, I would be triggered by so many things. Depressive episodes happened regularly. Sometimes they would last for weeks to up to month(s). I’m happy to say that now they last from a few days to maximum of a week.

I can make another post on depressive episodes, but what I want to talk about today is the 5 things I do to reset my life after my depressive episodes. This list is based on my own experience and is what works for me after having depressive episodes regularly. I found myself doing the same things to pick myself back up afterwards. And now I want to share them with you all.

The 5 ways I reset my life after a depressive episode

  1. One to Two days of kindness
    When I am ready to come back to civilization, it starts with an ease in. Every time I jumped in with tough love, I failed. So the first step is to meet myself with kindness. Seriously, be kind to yourself.
    Your mind and your body just went through torture. It is emotionally draining. So for the next one to two days, be kind to yourself. Journal. Take a nice relaxing bath. Whatever you do, don’t hate yourself ok?
  2. Clean Eating
    I’ll be the first to say it.. Uber eats is my ultimate friend during depression episodes. Since I live downtown it’s way too easy to hit that order button. And what do you know.. by the time I’m recovering from my episode, Uber Eats gifts me with five 40% off coupons. Say no and back away from uber eats because we are going to eat clean!

    This my friends is where I highly recommend grocery delivery. Grocery delivery has truly saved my sanity. For the price of roughly $7 CAD, I get my groceries delivered directly to my apartment door. It saves me time and for that reason the $7 CAD is worth it. (Before you come at me, I am a slowwwww grocery shopper so grocery delivery is worth it for me.

    The two grocery companies I use are: Superstore and Walmart.

    I like Superstore because I can get Optimum points. (if you’re not making the most out of optimum points, you’re missing out!)

    If I’m not earning points on anything, I’ll look at Walmart because they generally have affordable pricing overall.

    If you do not like either of those then you’re still in luck. Save-On-Foods and T&T are some other grocery companies that do delivery. Just check your area.
  3. Get Outdoors for fresh air
    During my depressive episode it’s most likely I have not made it outside… let alone outside my bedroom. So the next thing up is to just get outside. Maybe it’s only for 5 minutes. Maybe it’s just across the street. Maybe you have to put on a full balaclava. That’s ok! Just get outside. Feel fresh air on you skin and in your lungs.
  4. Shower/makeup
    I admit. This part is tough on it’s own, but if I can do steps 1-3, then the next step is to pull my physical self together. That means take a shower, curl my hair (only takes 10 mins and goes a long way in making me feel put together), and putting on a little makeup.

    Makeup used to stress me out! And I used to be a makeup artist. I realize the key is to KEEP IT SIMPLE. Do the bare minimum. For me that means foundation, eyebrows, curling my eyelashes (mascara is sometimes even too much), and a dab of lip tint.

    Keep it simple.
  5. Clean my apartment. (Or tidy a smidge)
    This means whatever you can do. Don’t beat yourself up for not deep cleaning. If I only have a little bit of energy, I will:
    – Take out the trash
    – Put dishes in the dishwasher (they most likely have been sitting in the sink) and run it
    – arrange my couch pillows and clean off my coffee table.

It’s incredibly hard to get yourself out of a depressive episode. If that is all you can do that is still amazing.

Elizabeth Gilbert said something amazing when I saw her speak in Vancouver. It’s something I never forget and I tell people often- when you’re going through a tough time, treat yourself like a new rescued dog from the shelter. Shower yourself with love.

I’d love to hear how you all get out of a depressive slump. Feel free to leave a comment!

Uncategorized /

What Really Goes on In My Head During A Manic Insomniac Episode

The most painful moments of my life are during my manic episodes. I wish I could say that by now I am used to them, but anytime I have them I never know if I will survive. I made a promise to myself to live for my niece. Yet the dark moments really test the waters.

There’s varying degrees of manic episodes for me. Depending on how big the triggers are, what is happening in my life, and how well I can use my tools. Every so often I seem to get knocked off by my worst trigger. My latest one being three days ago. The days following are filled with crazy thoughts, impulsivity, crying, lots of crying, fucked up sleep schedules, no sleep schedules because I can’t quiet my mind, self loathing, and serious isolation.

For those who want to read the truth, here is what goes through my mind when I go through a manic episode:

Disclaimer: Don’t tell me I didn’t warn you that these thoughts are crazy

i don’t belong anywhere
where do people go to disappear?
i’m a waste of skin
there is no future for me in any aspect
turns out people do want love, just not with me
sure my friends love me but they have their own lives
i’m living for ella, but is it enough?
i wish ella didn’t remember me
where is the cheapest place to live in canada
where is the cheapest place to live in the world
can you live in a tent somewhere off grid?
what does living in a tent/car for life look like?
medically assisted suicide
where is medically assisted suicide available?
will a nurse actually sign off on my suicide forms?
damn i hate my doctor
i miss my therapist
how deep do i have to cut in order to bleed out?
should i rewatch that ’13 reason why’ episode where she drowns in the tub?
my landlord would not be happy if I killed myself in this apartment
(crying)
is this what it’s like to go crazy?
should i go to the hospital?
what for? they put me on a waitlist for therapy
should i just go to a mental facility
where to stab myself if I want to never have the chance of giving birth
who knows if i can even give birth with PCOS
should i host a sale where people come to my apartment and take what they want?
what do i actually value in this apartment?
is it only 3am?
am i going to make it through the night?
switzerland provides medically assisted suicide
oh wait it is now in canada as of 2024. is that a sign?
(start to fill out medically assisted suicide forms)
i never thought i’d be this way.. looking back to highschool days. but it makes sense
should i go for a run right now to stanely park?
i should go camping far away
what if i sold/gifted everything in my apartment, lived in my car, and drove across canada
is this actually my life right now
my knives are too dull to stab myself. i should get sharper knives
or i should get my knives sharpened
how can i turn my mind off without sleeping?
this has always been me and my life. why am i surprised?
where do people go in the world to disappear?
is there a tiny home village i can move to?
searching craigslist for places that are cheap to live
maybe i should just be a sugar baby
it’s kind of wild that the hospital put me on a wait list. i thought they’re supposed to understand wild mood disorders?!
too functional to be admitted, but too fucked up to live a regular life
i should find a new therapist. it’s been a year
no money for therapy or energy to find one who understands my mood disorders (the last one said they did)
at least the sun is coming up
the birds are chirping
every day feels pointless and worthless
i have no purpose on this earth
if it wasn’t for ella i would not be here. would she be ok without me?
i’m just her auntie


Uncategorized /

5 Best Podcasts for Depression

When I was going through my pretty bad depression year, I listened to a lotttt of podcasts. I also had a 40 minute (minimum) commute to work each way and a job that allowed me to listen to podcasts throughout my day so I had a lot of time. What best to use this time than to learn through listening?

In this post I’m going to share my top 5 best depression podcasts for the dark times.

Disclaimer: I was determined to figure out what was going on with my mind and in a way, listening to these provided comfort. HOWEVER, what I want to mention is that sometimes they can be triggering. Sometimes you have to give your mind a break and a breather.

My top 5 podcasts for depression

In no specific order

  • Achieve Your Goals Podcast by Hal Elrod
  • On Purpose with Jay Shetty
  • Stuck Not Broken
  • Huberman Lab
  • Ultimate Health Podcast

Achieve Your Goals Podcast by Hal Elrod


Why I love it: There is something very relatable and comforting to hearing Hal Elrod speak. He has an amazing story of resilience where he was in a car accident and legally pronounced dead when his heart stopped but thankfully came back to life. I remembering listening to some of his episodes and it gave me so much hope. He’s dealt with depression and feelings of suicide. There was this one episode where he talks about sharing the uncomfortableness of having suicidal thoughts come on. He also has a book called “The Miracle Morning” which I’ve purchased. I’ve yet to become a morning person, but he does give me hope and inspired action.
Click here to listen on spotify

On Purpose with Jay Shetty


Why I love it: Jay Shetty was a monk before, and when I was in my deep depression, I looked up where to go and how to be a monk. A lot of what he says is so profound- it always gets me into my deep thinking. He now interviews actors, but my favourite episodes with him are with other health coaches.
Click here to listen on spotify

Stuck Not Broken by Justin Sunseri


Why I love it: This podcast is AMAZING and I wish more people knew about it. One of the first things I said to my therapist was “What the heck is going on with me scientifically when I’m having a melt down or depressive episode?”. She told me to look into polyvagal theory by Dr. Steven Porges. What’s polyvagal theory I thought? Upon my research I found Justin Sunseri’s podcast Stuck Not Broken. He explained it so well to me. He goes into lengthy detailed descriptions which I loved. I learned a lot from his podcast and highly recommend it. It’s one of a kind as well. He is the best at explaining polyvagal theory in my opinion.
Click here to listen on spotify

Huberman Lab by Andrew Huberman


Why I love it: Chances are you’ve already heard of Dr Andrew Huberman and the Huberman Lab. He is amazing. I love how scientific his podcast is. He does a really good job and explaining the brain and body and how things work. Some of my favourite episodes of his are ones on depression, mood disorders, bipolar, etc. He’s a doctor at Stanford University who knows his stuff.
Click here to listen on spotify

The Ultimate Health Podcast by Jesse Chappus


Why I love it: This podcast is what got me into podcasts. I wanted to learn. I would put The Ultimate Health Podcast on and just let it play. Every episode taught me something. And I found myself researching each guest he had on the show. It’s how I discovered Hal Rod. Jesse talks about all things health. I love it. It’s the kind of podcast I would love to have one day.
Click here to listen on spotify

Do you listen to any of these podcasts? Do you have any recommendations on podcasts you love? Comment below. I’d love to hear your thoughts!

Writing /

Write Like No One Is Reading

Dr. Susan David wrote these words in her book Emotional Agility. “Write Like No One is Reading”. They are the words her teacher said to her when she was young to get her to write freely in her journal. It’s how I write in my own personal diary, but it’s always messy and everywhere.

I love writing, but in a way it clashes with my perfectionism. If I can’t do it correctly I won’t write it at all. But it’s not the way I want to be. And things only get better if you try, right?

Making A Pact To Just Try

So I want to make a pact to myself. To simply just try. It’s been my moto for 2023 to just try things and it has been a wild eye opening year. However one thing I’ve always wanted to be but never seem to progress in is a regular blogger/writer. Maybe because I can’t find the right words to translate onto paper.

As 2024 is around the corner I am reminded that another year has passed and I haven’t truly given writing my all. It’s something I want to do and be. I’ve always wanted to be a writer, but never felt good enough. But what is good enough in today’s world?

What Do I have to lose?

I need to write like no one is reading. Because what do I have to lose?

My two new words: hit publish.

my story /

I came here at 11pm once because I was feeling so much anxiety and couldn’t be home

I’m sitting at the coffee shop working away on my writing. It reminds me of the last time I was here, back in 2019. I used to live in this area. I was just getting used to living life on my own. It was my first downtown apartment and I landed a beautiful apartment with a view of the sunset. It was something I always wanted and finally it was mine.

2019 was a big year of change for me

I started therapy in 2019 and I welcomed it with open arms. “I’m ready to deal with all my baggage” I told my therapist. “I want to be ready and healthy when I meet the right person so that I can have a healthy relationship” I explained.

Little did I know, opening the can of worms called my childhood trauma would be a longggggg journey that I’m still figuring out to this day in 2023. A journey with lots of lows and highs, scattered through ongoing self discovery. Including episodes of depression and a few suicide attempts. More on these eventually.

I came here late one evening because I couldn’t handle being home alone

This coffee shop is twenty four hours and I came here late one evening because I couldn’t handle being home alone. It sounds silly as I’m typing it out now, but I would feel anxious if I was home and had nothing to do. One Friday night I couldn’t sleep. It was 11pm and I felt like I needed to go somewhere otherwise I would burst. I didn’t know what to call this feeling at that time. I decided to walk up to this coffee shop and read here until I got tired (which was eventually 2am) and then I was finally able to go home and sleep.

I lacked good work boundaries

I worked in film at that time (and lacked good work boundaries) which allowed me to feed into being a workaholic and avoid myself. On weekdays I would wake up, go to work, come home, sometimes eat dinner, and go to bed. My mind was used to go-go-go. Over time and with therapy, I came to learn I was a perfectionist and a workaholic.

I was constantly keeping busy with friends

On the weekends I would make myself busy arranging plans with friends. In my head I was building/keeping great connections, but on the inside I was on autopilot, doing what I always did.. avoiding simply being alone with myself.

Covid forced me to be alone with myself

I remember one day during 2020/Peak Covid times, where I woke up, made my coffee and just sat on my couch in silent. Later that day in therapy, my therapist said “I think you’re finally starting to like being with yourself”.

I think she was right.

my story /

Inspired by Selena Gomez to share my Mental Health diagnosis

When Selena Gomez openly talked about her mood disorder last fall 2022, I was in enamoured by her. She openly spoke about her struggle being diagnosed and living with Bipolar Disorder.

In Love With The New Selena

I haven’t mustered the bravery to watch her documentary on Apple+ as I think it would probably hit a lot of triggers, but I love the new her. She is truly just being herself and it shows. It’s the type of beauty I want to develop within myself.

Obviously her announcement made me think of my own situation as I’m sure it did for many others. How many of us are hiding in our feelings, our mood disorders, or the things we use to numb ourselves? Too many. Myself included.

I’ve been wanting to talk about my own diagnosis for a while now.. always trying to find the best or right way to do it. I don’t think there is one.

I’ve spoken about living with severe depression and suicidality on my instagram and youtube since 2022. That has been a journey and one I really want to grow from, but what I want to talk more about is my further diagnoses.

The Fear of Judgement

My biggest pet peeve when telling someone about my mood disorders is having them question it. The worst is when it is someone close to me and often that’s who I’m confiding in anyways.

“Do you actually have it?”

“Have you been officially diagnosed?”

“Who said?”

In my situation, my family doctor diagnosed me with depression before I was 20 years old. He referred me to a psychiatrist. My psychiatrist then diagnosed me with severe depression when I was 22.

I will end this post with these two diagnoses and share my other ones next time. I promise it’s coming soon. My soul is finally in a place to share it.

Slowly but surely,
Natasha

my story /

Why I Decided to Share My Story and Create RootingForMentalHealth

(This post has been sitting in my drafts for over a year. Along with about 20 other posts I’ve written, but never felt good enough to publish. Here’s to 2023 and working on my passion to spread awareness about mental health)

I think about this reason lot, because I often forget. My mind is like a wheel that doesn’t stop which is common for people with mood disorders. I need regular reminders of purpose and reasons to keep me going.

I know the exact thought that made me feel like sharing my story. I’ll just be frank because there’s no easy way to say this. After my suicide attempt in the summer of 2021, I realized that nothing really mattered anymore. Such as, hiding the fact that I have depression didn’t matter because once I’m gone, the truth comes out anyways. Or it doesn’t, but again, what does it matter?

When you have nothing to lose, you have nothing to hide.

This revelation didn’t happen right away and it wasn’t a lightbulb moment. Somehow it just appeared one day in January.

Before this newfound thought, struggling with mental health was the biggest secret of my life. Seriously. No one could know that I struggled. I had opened up to my friends about it within the past 5 years, but nothing on the level of how I am sharing now.

My career would be over if they knew how I really was

I believed that if my work places knew about my mental health struggles, I would be over. This was a valid thought because even today, there are too many work places that do not support mental health. (How can we change this?!??)

I actually had one of my work supervisors say to me ”You can’t predict a panic attack” when I asked to use one of my vacation days as a stress leave. Ok, maybe you can’t predict a panic attack, but I had been manic and knew my mental pot was about to boil over very soon.

Ok back to my focus – All I could think about after my suicide attempt was.. the truth is going to come out eventually, so what does it matter if I say it now if this is what I’m struggling with and I’m not able to live a regular every day life?

I want to say this thought came to mind easily, but it didn’t. It took months of therapy and discovering myself and then convincing myself to say something.

For Ella

The last reason, and probably one of the most important reasons, is for Ella, my niece. One evening while in heartbreak, sobbing myself to sleep, I had a thought. I hated how I felt, but I thought about my niece having these the exact thoughts I had in my head at the time and my heart broke in a way I didn’t know was possible. Now I often think, what if my niece felt this way? And man that hurts.

So I want to create a better world for her. I don’t want her to feel anything remotely close to the dark feelings I often feel, but if she does.. I need her to know she is not alone.

Uncategorized /

Bad Lettuce

This is the story of the bad lettuce.

I’m not sure where I read this so the credit goes out to someone out there. It probably came from my plant group or something. It’s simple and goes like this:

If we plant a lettuce to grow in our garden we expect it to grow. If the lettuce does not grow, we don’t yell at the lettuce and say “bad lettuce!”. We examine the situation. We look at the growing conditions. Did the lettuce receive the right environment it needed to thrive? (Enough sun, nutrients, and water). If any of the environment conditions were not optimal, we adjust and see how we can make the lettuce grow. We never blame the lettuce for not growing.

You see where I’m getting at, right?

This story has held a place with me ever since I heard it and I’ve shared it with many of my friends. First, I laugh at the idea of yelling and getting angry at a head of lettuce. It’s not that far fetched though, as I have gotten upset over silly things when I’m in a bad place. (Easily agitated is one of my tells).

The story of the bad lettuce grounds me. We are so quick to get angry at ourselves before looking at the environments we’re in. We can change our circumstances and environments. These things are in our control.

Here’s a reminder to think about the story of the bad lettuce next time self anger rises.