Goodbye Culloden

Where do I begin with my story?

I wrote my first post about a few weeks ago and since then my thought has been, “I launched my blog, now what?”. Where do I even start?! My emotions have been a roller coaster, tossing between giving it my all or giving up before I even started.

In my last post I wrote that something changed in January earlier this year. I’ve been digging deep wondering what that was and I came up with a few factors. First off I should mention that in the last few years S.A.D (seasonal affective disorder) had been hitting me extra hard. Yes, I do have a good happy lamp.

Being S.A.D

Seasonal affective disorder (SAD) is a type of depression that’s related to changes in seasons — SAD begins and ends at about the same times every year. If you’re like most people with SAD, your symptoms start in the fall and continue into the winter months, sapping your energy and making you feel moody. These symptoms often resolve during the spring and summer months. Less often, SAD causes depression in the spring or early summer and resolves during the fall or winter months.

Mayo Clinic

Selling our Family home of 30+ Years

I knew the end of 2021 would be tough because on December 16th, 2021, we said goodbye to our family home. This house lived on Culloden street, hence the name of my blog post today, and we often just refer to it just as “Culloden”. The three months prior to December were spent packing and cleaning. We had A LOT of stuff in that family home. My grandma purchased the house in the late 70s (or perhaps the 80s). Four generations of stuff were stored there. It was the party home for every generation. I loved seeing the pictures of my grandma hosting parties. It carried down to us as my sister and I also threw parties in the home. If you know, you know.

Once Ella (my niece) was born, she became a big part of the house too. All her baby stuff was there. All to say that going through memorabilia and antiques (especially my grandma’s) was physically and emotionally hard. We emptied the house within 4 months (props to my Mom and my Aunt!). By the end of it, I was mentally holding on by a few strings. I had also just burned out from work again (one of other tough things of 2021). My mom was exhausted, body sore, and pulled a few muscles in her shoulder. Moving is no one’s favourite task and often brings out a lot of stress and tension.

The Moment My Thinking Changed

By now you know, I was an emotional wreck during this time. The pit of depression I was in seemed ongoing. When you’re in it for so long, it stops feeling like an “episode” and starts feeling just like life. I was sensitive, easily irritated, emotional, negative, cried constantly, and overall I just wanted to be left alone. Well, after we locked the door at Culloden for the last time, got in our cars and drove off.. I had something spark in my heart. I felt the strong desire to reach out. Perhaps it was in the memories that came up from months of reminiscing.

Reaching Out To Friends

I redownloaded “whatsapp” and messaged two groups that I had regularly been a part of. The funny thing is whatsapp kicks you out of groupchats if you’re inactive after some time so it totally looked like I left on my own accord. I messaged whomever created the group and asked if they could invite me back in and I said “Hi”. I remember thinking, “What am I doing?”. And “Why am I keeping the door closed on friends who have been in my life for so long and are supportive of me?”.

For some reason I didn’t see this coming.. but saying a simple “Hi” to friends opened the gates to conversation which was something I was not used to. I was used to being alone. I felt immediately overwhelmed. Panic went up and so did my need to shut down. I wanted to run from every connection. But thankfully I didn’t. Seeing it today, I made a boundary that day. I told them I was happy to reconnect, but I wasn’t used to conversing so much so I needed to take it slow. My friends understood. Of course they would, because they’re amazing. They always were. They were just happy I said hi. I think I always knew this if I asked myself, but all I could see at the time was the this cloud of depression that I was suffocating in. The thought that friends were awesome didn’t occur to me until.. well, this day.

The Silver Lining

Saying goodbye to Culloden was incredibly hard. I often reminisce about the house and the memories there, but we had to end the final chapter and put the book on the shelf. With closing the door that day, another one opened. (Funny how that quote is true.) Without it, I probably would’ve continued down my dark path, but with it open, a little light shined my way.