Hypomania Diaries: there is nothing good here

It’s been about a year and although things have changed, my midnight hypomania still exists. Last night I was researching on medically assisted dying in Canada and “Where do people go to die?”. It’s almost selfish and cruel because in reality I don’t have a bad life. I live in a nice apartment in Downtown Vancouver. I have a car. I have friends. And I appear quite happy-go-lucky when meeting people.

But inside, there is a darkness in me. A darkness that consumes me at times and turns my life upside down. It makes me question my life’s purpose and makes it impossible to live without a purpose.

I’m 37 years old. I have a lot of things in my life, but none of the things I thought I would have at this point. Life partner, kids, financial security, and a stable career. For most of my life, these things have been a struggle.

I don’t know where to go from here. I made a promise to myself to live for my niece (and now nephew), because ending my life at this point might hurt and confuse her. Sometimes it keeps me going, but sometimes it’s hard to live for others when I’m going crazy inside.

Thirty seven years old is a weird age. I have to push myself to believe there is a future, but with the darkness consuming me it tends to be really hard. The bipolar2 that comes with depression is such a mindfuck. In the company of others I am normal and stable, yet when I’m alone, my thoughts can drive me to sanity.

How can someone love me when I hate who I am? There is nothing good here.