I came here at 11pm once because I was feeling so much anxiety and couldn’t be home

I’m sitting at the coffee shop working away on my writing. It reminds me of the last time I was here, back in 2019. I used to live in this area. I was just getting used to living life on my own. It was my first downtown apartment and I landed a beautiful apartment with a view of the sunset. It was something I always wanted and finally it was mine.

2019 was a big year of change for me

I started therapy in 2019 and I welcomed it with open arms. “I’m ready to deal with all my baggage” I told my therapist. “I want to be ready and healthy when I meet the right person so that I can have a healthy relationship” I explained.

Little did I know, opening the can of worms called my childhood trauma would be a longggggg journey that I’m still figuring out to this day in 2023. A journey with lots of lows and highs, scattered through ongoing self discovery. Including episodes of depression and a few suicide attempts. More on these eventually.

I came here late one evening because I couldn’t handle being home alone

This coffee shop is twenty four hours and I came here late one evening because I couldn’t handle being home alone. It sounds silly as I’m typing it out now, but I would feel anxious if I was home and had nothing to do. One Friday night I couldn’t sleep. It was 11pm and I felt like I needed to go somewhere otherwise I would burst. I didn’t know what to call this feeling at that time. I decided to walk up to this coffee shop and read here until I got tired (which was eventually 2am) and then I was finally able to go home and sleep.

I lacked good work boundaries

I worked in film at that time (and lacked good work boundaries) which allowed me to feed into being a workaholic and avoid myself. On weekdays I would wake up, go to work, come home, sometimes eat dinner, and go to bed. My mind was used to go-go-go. Over time and with therapy, I came to learn I was a perfectionist and a workaholic.

I was constantly keeping busy with friends

On the weekends I would make myself busy arranging plans with friends. In my head I was building/keeping great connections, but on the inside I was on autopilot, doing what I always did.. avoiding simply being alone with myself.

Covid forced me to be alone with myself

I remember one day during 2020/Peak Covid times, where I woke up, made my coffee and just sat on my couch in silent. Later that day in therapy, my therapist said “I think you’re finally starting to like being with yourself”.

I think she was right.