In A Dark Place

Welcome back Tash.

I’ve been wondering how to jump back into blogging again- no better way to do that during the midst of a pretty dark depressive episode.

This is day 2 or possibly 3. I can’t keep track because it all gets quite blurry. I spent my days sleeping so I don’t have to think. This is bad, I know. But if you knew the bad dark twisty thoughts circling in my head, you might sleep all day too.

Finding Purpose

I’m struggling to find the purpose in life. I always come back here. If I’m being honest, I feel like I’m just living for my niece. Because she would not understand if I wasn’t here anymore. And perhaps me leaving this world would mess her up in a way. What about everyone else, you might ask. This is a really selfish thought, but they’re (friends and family) grownups and I think they’d understand. In the end I come back to myself and it’s just myself laying in my apartment going crazy. And then I get tired of fighting with my own mind. It’s all very tiring. If you know, you know.

BUT HERE I AM – sitting at a coffee shop writing this post. I get out of the house during these depressive episodes because I know I should. I remember back at my old apartment, I was spiraling one Friday and ended up closing the blinds. I just slept and crept around my apartment in the darkness all weekend until Monday came and I had to go to work. So I guess there’s some growth in today where I’m atleast out at the coffee shop and typing this.

This is MY blog… right?

I have the urge to write – which seems to come out when I’m feeling manic. Isn’t that when the best work comes out? (IE. Adele, Taylor Swift). I hold myself back because I’m scared of judgement, but I want to be the old me again. My younger self who wrote whatever she wanted on her xanga, asianavenue, or blogger. This is my own blog. I should be able to write whatever I want. Right….?

PS. If someone knows how to turn off those like and dislike counts on wordpress, please holla at me. They bug the shiz out of me.