my story /

I came here at 11pm once because I was feeling so much anxiety and couldn’t be home

I’m sitting at the coffee shop working away on my writing. It reminds me of the last time I was here, back in 2019. I used to live in this area. I was just getting used to living life on my own. It was my first downtown apartment and I landed a beautiful apartment with a view of the sunset. It was something I always wanted and finally it was mine.

2019 was a big year of change for me

I started therapy in 2019 and I welcomed it with open arms. “I’m ready to deal with all my baggage” I told my therapist. “I want to be ready and healthy when I meet the right person so that I can have a healthy relationship” I explained.

Little did I know, opening the can of worms called my childhood trauma would be a longggggg journey that I’m still figuring out to this day in 2023. A journey with lots of lows and highs, scattered through ongoing self discovery. Including episodes of depression and a few suicide attempts. More on these eventually.

I came here late one evening because I couldn’t handle being home alone

This coffee shop is twenty four hours and I came here late one evening because I couldn’t handle being home alone. It sounds silly as I’m typing it out now, but I would feel anxious if I was home and had nothing to do. One Friday night I couldn’t sleep. It was 11pm and I felt like I needed to go somewhere otherwise I would burst. I didn’t know what to call this feeling at that time. I decided to walk up to this coffee shop and read here until I got tired (which was eventually 2am) and then I was finally able to go home and sleep.

I lacked good work boundaries

I worked in film at that time (and lacked good work boundaries) which allowed me to feed into being a workaholic and avoid myself. On weekdays I would wake up, go to work, come home, sometimes eat dinner, and go to bed. My mind was used to go-go-go. Over time and with therapy, I came to learn I was a perfectionist and a workaholic.

I was constantly keeping busy with friends

On the weekends I would make myself busy arranging plans with friends. In my head I was building/keeping great connections, but on the inside I was on autopilot, doing what I always did.. avoiding simply being alone with myself.

Covid forced me to be alone with myself

I remember one day during 2020/Peak Covid times, where I woke up, made my coffee and just sat on my couch in silent. Later that day in therapy, my therapist said “I think you’re finally starting to like being with yourself”.

I think she was right.

my story /

Inspired by Selena Gomez to share my Mental Health diagnosis

When Selena Gomez openly talked about her mood disorder last fall 2022, I was in enamoured by her. She openly spoke about her struggle being diagnosed and living with Bipolar Disorder.

In Love With The New Selena

I haven’t mustered the bravery to watch her documentary on Apple+ as I think it would probably hit a lot of triggers, but I love the new her. She is truly just being herself and it shows. It’s the type of beauty I want to develop within myself.

Obviously her announcement made me think of my own situation as I’m sure it did for many others. How many of us are hiding in our feelings, our mood disorders, or the things we use to numb ourselves? Too many. Myself included.

I’ve been wanting to talk about my own diagnosis for a while now.. always trying to find the best or right way to do it. I don’t think there is one.

I’ve spoken about living with severe depression and suicidality on my instagram and youtube since 2022. That has been a journey and one I really want to grow from, but what I want to talk more about is my further diagnoses.

The Fear of Judgement

My biggest pet peeve when telling someone about my mood disorders is having them question it. The worst is when it is someone close to me and often that’s who I’m confiding in anyways.

“Do you actually have it?”

“Have you been officially diagnosed?”

“Who said?”

In my situation, my family doctor diagnosed me with depression before I was 20 years old. He referred me to a psychiatrist. My psychiatrist then diagnosed me with severe depression when I was 22.

I will end this post with these two diagnoses and share my other ones next time. I promise it’s coming soon. My soul is finally in a place to share it.

Slowly but surely,
Natasha

my story /

Why I Decided to Share My Story and Create RootingForMentalHealth

(This post has been sitting in my drafts for over a year. Along with about 20 other posts I’ve written, but never felt good enough to publish. Here’s to 2023 and working on my passion to spread awareness about mental health)

I think about this reason lot, because I often forget. My mind is like a wheel that doesn’t stop which is common for people with mood disorders. I need regular reminders of purpose and reasons to keep me going.

I know the exact thought that made me feel like sharing my story. I’ll just be frank because there’s no easy way to say this. After my suicide attempt in the summer of 2021, I realized that nothing really mattered anymore. Such as, hiding the fact that I have depression didn’t matter because once I’m gone, the truth comes out anyways. Or it doesn’t, but again, what does it matter?

When you have nothing to lose, you have nothing to hide.

This revelation didn’t happen right away and it wasn’t a lightbulb moment. Somehow it just appeared one day in January.

Before this newfound thought, struggling with mental health was the biggest secret of my life. Seriously. No one could know that I struggled. I had opened up to my friends about it within the past 5 years, but nothing on the level of how I am sharing now.

My career would be over if they knew how I really was

I believed that if my work places knew about my mental health struggles, I would be over. This was a valid thought because even today, there are too many work places that do not support mental health. (How can we change this?!??)

I actually had one of my work supervisors say to me ”You can’t predict a panic attack” when I asked to use one of my vacation days as a stress leave. Ok, maybe you can’t predict a panic attack, but I had been manic and knew my mental pot was about to boil over very soon.

Ok back to my focus – All I could think about after my suicide attempt was.. the truth is going to come out eventually, so what does it matter if I say it now if this is what I’m struggling with and I’m not able to live a regular every day life?

I want to say this thought came to mind easily, but it didn’t. It took months of therapy and discovering myself and then convincing myself to say something.

For Ella

The last reason, and probably one of the most important reasons, is for Ella, my niece. One evening while in heartbreak, sobbing myself to sleep, I had a thought. I hated how I felt, but I thought about my niece having these the exact thoughts I had in my head at the time and my heart broke in a way I didn’t know was possible. Now I often think, what if my niece felt this way? And man that hurts.

So I want to create a better world for her. I don’t want her to feel anything remotely close to the dark feelings I often feel, but if she does.. I need her to know she is not alone.

Uncategorized /

Bad Lettuce

This is the story of the bad lettuce.

I’m not sure where I read this so the credit goes out to someone out there. It probably came from my plant group or something. It’s simple and goes like this:

If we plant a lettuce to grow in our garden we expect it to grow. If the lettuce does not grow, we don’t yell at the lettuce and say “bad lettuce!”. We examine the situation. We look at the growing conditions. Did the lettuce receive the right environment it needed to thrive? (Enough sun, nutrients, and water). If any of the environment conditions were not optimal, we adjust and see how we can make the lettuce grow. We never blame the lettuce for not growing.

You see where I’m getting at, right?

This story has held a place with me ever since I heard it and I’ve shared it with many of my friends. First, I laugh at the idea of yelling and getting angry at a head of lettuce. It’s not that far fetched though, as I have gotten upset over silly things when I’m in a bad place. (Easily agitated is one of my tells).

The story of the bad lettuce grounds me. We are so quick to get angry at ourselves before looking at the environments we’re in. We can change our circumstances and environments. These things are in our control.

Here’s a reminder to think about the story of the bad lettuce next time self anger rises.

Uncategorized /

Sometimes the closest people around you will not understand your mental health

Wholy canoly. It’s been a while.

Well, even though it’s been about 5 weeks since my last post, in my mind it feels like it’s been months. As each day passed, I’ve been beating myself up about all my “shoulds” including “I should be updating my blog regularly”.

Consistency is hard for me!

It’s especially hard when I get waves of depression. During those waves of depression all I want to do is hide.

A few weeks ago I was doing good. I was doing great actually. I was on day 10 of my daily yoga challenge, keeping up workbook work-a-long series, eating healthy, going to cafe’s regularly to work on my brand, and overall just having a routine.

So what happened?

Well, I let my guard (ie. boundary) down and allowed outside energy to affect me.

Here’s the lesson I know but always get a fresh slap in the face every now and then: Not everyone will understand you. AND, sometimes the closest people around you will not understand you. And that is ok!

Of course I can say this now, but weeks ago I went from a solid 8 to -10 overnight.

My routine was gone along with my motivation, inspiration, and desire to do anything. Instead of believing in myself and my path, I was ridden with panic. Most of all, I couldn’t understand what was happening in my mind and my emotions. I cried myself to bed for the first time in a while. I sat with my thoughts and let a few days pass. After a week it became clear that this trigger was a different one and time was not going to be the solution. I had to figure out the whys if I was going to feel better.

I had a hard time regulating my emotions because I couldn’t understand how someone close to me could make me feel this way.

I thought when we spent time with people we love that our buckets are always full afterwards. This isn’t always the case. AND that doesn’t mean that particular person is bad. Like we all know to this day – mental health is a tricky topic. Some people are uncomfortable with it. Some people don’t know what to say. At the end of the day I truly believe people can love me without fully understanding my mental health aspect.

Picking up the pieces from 0

Honestly, every time I go through… let’s call it an episode, I find myself back to square one. I’m picking up the pieces again, meaning I’m building my routine from scraps. I won’t lie – these past few weeks (if I don’t have plans) I can easily stay in bed until noon. I have no motivation. But creating a routine means getting up at a certain time whether I want to or not. I was finally able to pull out my journal and organize my thoughts and write what I want to focus on.

I have to keep it very simple and basic, but here’s what I’m practicing:

  • Yoga 1x/wk
  • Wash my dishes every night (don’t leave in sink)
  • Lights out by 1030pm
  • Take meds at 9pm and start night time routine
  • Clean eating 5 days of the week
  • Read a fiction book for 30 minutes as part of night routine

If I can’t meet these 5 goals, I scale it back to just 3 or 2.

What about you? How do you pick yourself up after hard times? What are some tips and tools you use?

Thanks for reading!

depressive episode /

Introducing: Midnight Mindfucks Vol1

I’m thinking of starting a new series called midnight mindfucks. Ha. Take that with a grain of salt as I have a hard time staying consistent. You can say I’m consistently inconsistent *ba dum dum*. Anyway, the concept of midnight mindfucks is to share what is truly inside my head during my manic depression mindfuck episodes.

Warning: This series will be intense.

Warning: This serious is a bit intense because well.. manic depressive episodes are intense. They are painful. There is a lot of emotional turmoil. And while I know many people don’t want to know what goes on in my head, I’m doing this for the one person who might need to know that they’re not alone. I get a serious case of the midnight mindfucks as well.

The only way out is through. Aka Sit through your thoughts?

They told me to lean into feeling and thoughts. Well then. I guess that means I have to embrace the crazy irrational bad scary terrible untrue demon thoughts that overcomes me. I just came out of depressive episode recently and I decided to write my thoughts out while they were happening. A few days later I decided to share my said midnight thoughts. Why? Because during my episode(s) all I wanted to do was withdraw and hide under the covers until I can breathe again. Then I thought… but what if I did the opposite?

Personally, when I’m feeling down. I tend to read and listen to other people’s stories. I want to feel like I’m not alone. Like I’m not crazy. And if I’m crazy, that I’m not alone in being crazy. Do you know what I mean?

So here goes nothing

I forgot to write the date of when this happened, but it was sometime around Aug 30th, 2022.

Real Questions: Should I just go to the hospital?

While most of my thoughts were manic, it brings up a very good question. Why don’t I go to the hospital? Should I go to the hospital? Do some people live in psych hospitals forever?

More on that next time.

depressive episode /

So how are you?

That’s usually how my sessions with my psychiatrist start.

I started seeing her regularly again back in 2019. Usually it’s weekly, but if I’m doing well then it’s biweekly or monthly. (It hasn’t been monthly in a really long time). Every few months I think I’m doing ok and feel like I can trek on with my life without a check in. If I’m feeling manic at all, I think it’s best for me to see her weekly so there’s some accountability there. Meaning, I don’t do anything stupid because I know I’m going to see my doctor soon.

So how is it going with me?

Well, I’m still in a depressive episode. The same one from a few days ago. I’m feeling tired, irritated, and overall just low and bothered. I came out to visit my sister for my niece’s birthday weekend. When I’m distracted and occupied I’m okay, but it’s the stagnant silence that the depressive episodes really eat at my mind. I think that’s why I try to read a lot or go for long walks or anything that really keeps my mind busy. I also tend not to sleep well when I’m not in my own bed and I have dreams full of my own anxieties and worries when I am able to sleep. I told her (my psychiatrist) all of this with a sullen voice.

I mentioned feeling hopeless and pointless. Not feeling like anything is working, and most of all not sure what I’m working towards in life. Once again, back at the place I fall every time I get into a depressive episode and then, tired of that in a whole itself. “Do you ever get tired of being you?” That’s how I feel all the time. I mentioned feeling lonely from all of that. Feeling as though I won’t ever heal myself, therefore I won’t be able to have healthy relationships all around me. Romantic and platonic.

Do you ever get tired of being you?

The question I constantly ask myself

She asked me why I didn’t think treatment is working

I told her it’s because I feel like I’m not any better? (Is this clouded judgement?) That I’m not sure if psychotherapy with my therapist does anything. We talked about my diagnosis. I’m just calling it diagnosis because I’m not ready to share what I was diagnosed with yet. Maybe next time. Maybe never. But I want to eventually.

Things we decided I need to work on:

  • Set and execute a daily routine. (I really need to practice discipline and doing things when I need to, versus WANT to)
  • Exercise exercise exercise
  • Get started with progress on my therapy workbooks
  • Eat Clean

Basically… back to basics. If I want to feel control in my life, it will start with having discipline with a concrete daily routine. With healthy habits. How hard is it? (ha)

depressive episode /

In A Dark Place

Welcome back Tash.

I’ve been wondering how to jump back into blogging again- no better way to do that during the midst of a pretty dark depressive episode.

This is day 2 or possibly 3. I can’t keep track because it all gets quite blurry. I spent my days sleeping so I don’t have to think. This is bad, I know. But if you knew the bad dark twisty thoughts circling in my head, you might sleep all day too.

Credit: Pinterest

Finding Purpose

I’m struggling to find the purpose in life. I always come back here. If I’m being honest, I feel like I’m just living for my niece. Because she would not understand if I wasn’t here anymore. And perhaps me leaving this world would mess her up in a way. What about everyone else, you might ask. This is a really selfish thought, but they’re (friends and family) grownups and I think they’d understand. In the end I come back to myself and it’s just myself laying in my apartment going crazy. And then I get tired of fighting with my own mind. It’s all very tiring. If you know, you know.

BUT HERE I AM – sitting at a coffee shop writing this post. I get out of the house during these depressive episodes because I know I should. I remember back at my old apartment, I was spiraling one Friday and ended up closing the blinds. I just slept and crept around my apartment in the darkness all weekend until Monday came and I had to go to work. So I guess there’s some growth in today where I’m atleast out at the coffee shop and typing this.

This is MY blog… right?

I have the urge to write – which seems to come out when I’m feeling manic. Isn’t that when the best work comes out? (IE. Adele, Taylor Swift). I hold myself back because I’m scared of judgement, but I want to be the old me again. My younger self who wrote whatever she wanted on her xanga, asianavenue, or blogger. This is my own blog. I should be able to write whatever I want. Right….?

PS. If someone knows how to turn off those like and dislike counts on wordpress, please holla at me. They bug the shiz out of me.