Uncategorized /

Sometimes the closest people around you will not understand your mental health

Wholy canoly. It’s been a while.

Well, even though it’s been about 5 weeks since my last post, in my mind it feels like it’s been months. As each day passed, I’ve been beating myself up about all my “shoulds” including “I should be updating my blog regularly”.

Consistency is hard for me!

It’s especially hard when I get waves of depression. During those waves of depression all I want to do is hide.

A few weeks ago I was doing good. I was doing great actually. I was on day 10 of my daily yoga challenge, keeping up workbook work-a-long series, eating healthy, going to cafe’s regularly to work on my brand, and overall just having a routine.

So what happened?

Well, I let my guard (ie. boundary) down and allowed outside energy to affect me.

Here’s the lesson I know but always get a fresh slap in the face every now and then: Not everyone will understand you. AND, sometimes the closest people around you will not understand you. And that is ok!

Of course I can say this now, but weeks ago I went from a solid 8 to -10 overnight.

My routine was gone along with my motivation, inspiration, and desire to do anything. Instead of believing in myself and my path, I was ridden with panic. Most of all, I couldn’t understand what was happening in my mind and my emotions. I cried myself to bed for the first time in a while. I sat with my thoughts and let a few days pass. After a week it became clear that this trigger was a different one and time was not going to be the solution. I had to figure out the whys if I was going to feel better.

I had a hard time regulating my emotions because I couldn’t understand how someone close to me could make me feel this way.

I thought when we spent time with people we love that our buckets are always full afterwards. This isn’t always the case. AND that doesn’t mean that particular person is bad. Like we all know to this day – mental health is a tricky topic. Some people are uncomfortable with it. Some people don’t know what to say. At the end of the day I truly believe people can love me without fully understanding my mental health aspect.

Picking up the pieces from 0

Honestly, every time I go through… let’s call it an episode, I find myself back to square one. I’m picking up the pieces again, meaning I’m building my routine from scraps. I won’t lie – these past few weeks (if I don’t have plans) I can easily stay in bed until noon. I have no motivation. But creating a routine means getting up at a certain time whether I want to or not. I was finally able to pull out my journal and organize my thoughts and write what I want to focus on.

I have to keep it very simple and basic, but here’s what I’m practicing:

  • Yoga 1x/wk
  • Wash my dishes every night (don’t leave in sink)
  • Lights out by 1030pm
  • Take meds at 9pm and start night time routine
  • Clean eating 5 days of the week
  • Read a fiction book for 30 minutes as part of night routine

If I can’t meet these 5 goals, I scale it back to just 3 or 2.

What about you? How do you pick yourself up after hard times? What are some tips and tools you use?

Thanks for reading!

depressive episode /

Introducing: Midnight Mindfucks Vol1

I’m thinking of starting a new series called midnight mindfucks. Ha. Take that with a grain of salt as I have a hard time staying consistent. You can say I’m consistently inconsistent *ba dum dum*. Anyway, the concept of midnight mindfucks is to share what is truly inside my head during my manic depression mindfuck episodes.

Warning: This series will be intense.

Warning: This serious is a bit intense because well.. manic depressive episodes are intense. They are painful. There is a lot of emotional turmoil. And while I know many people don’t want to know what goes on in my head, I’m doing this for the one person who might need to know that they’re not alone. I get a serious case of the midnight mindfucks as well.

The only way out is through. Aka Sit through your thoughts?

They told me to lean into feeling and thoughts. Well then. I guess that means I have to embrace the crazy irrational bad scary terrible untrue demon thoughts that overcomes me. I just came out of depressive episode recently and I decided to write my thoughts out while they were happening. A few days later I decided to share my said midnight thoughts. Why? Because during my episode(s) all I wanted to do was withdraw and hide under the covers until I can breathe again. Then I thought… but what if I did the opposite?

Personally, when I’m feeling down. I tend to read and listen to other people’s stories. I want to feel like I’m not alone. Like I’m not crazy. And if I’m crazy, that I’m not alone in being crazy. Do you know what I mean?

So here goes nothing

I forgot to write the date of when this happened, but it was sometime around Aug 30th, 2022.

Real Questions: Should I just go to the hospital?

While most of my thoughts were manic, it brings up a very good question. Why don’t I go to the hospital? Should I go to the hospital? Do some people live in psych hospitals forever?

More on that next time.

depressive episode /

So how are you?

That’s usually how my sessions with my psychiatrist start.

I started seeing her regularly again back in 2019. Usually it’s weekly, but if I’m doing well then it’s biweekly or monthly. (It hasn’t been monthly in a really long time). Every few months I think I’m doing ok and feel like I can trek on with my life without a check in. If I’m feeling manic at all, I think it’s best for me to see her weekly so there’s some accountability there. Meaning, I don’t do anything stupid because I know I’m going to see my doctor soon.

So how is it going with me?

Well, I’m still in a depressive episode. The same one from a few days ago. I’m feeling tired, irritated, and overall just low and bothered. I came out to visit my sister for my niece’s birthday weekend. When I’m distracted and occupied I’m okay, but it’s the stagnant silence that the depressive episodes really eat at my mind. I think that’s why I try to read a lot or go for long walks or anything that really keeps my mind busy. I also tend not to sleep well when I’m not in my own bed and I have dreams full of my own anxieties and worries when I am able to sleep. I told her (my psychiatrist) all of this with a sullen voice.

I mentioned feeling hopeless and pointless. Not feeling like anything is working, and most of all not sure what I’m working towards in life. Once again, back at the place I fall every time I get into a depressive episode and then, tired of that in a whole itself. “Do you ever get tired of being you?” That’s how I feel all the time. I mentioned feeling lonely from all of that. Feeling as though I won’t ever heal myself, therefore I won’t be able to have healthy relationships all around me. Romantic and platonic.

Do you ever get tired of being you?

The question I constantly ask myself

She asked me why I didn’t think treatment is working

I told her it’s because I feel like I’m not any better? (Is this clouded judgement?) That I’m not sure if psychotherapy with my therapist does anything. We talked about my diagnosis. I’m just calling it diagnosis because I’m not ready to share what I was diagnosed with yet. Maybe next time. Maybe never. But I want to eventually.

Things we decided I need to work on:

  • Set and execute a daily routine. (I really need to practice discipline and doing things when I need to, versus WANT to)
  • Exercise exercise exercise
  • Get started with progress on my therapy workbooks
  • Eat Clean

Basically… back to basics. If I want to feel control in my life, it will start with having discipline with a concrete daily routine. With healthy habits. How hard is it? (ha)

depressive episode /

In A Dark Place

Welcome back Tash.

I’ve been wondering how to jump back into blogging again- no better way to do that during the midst of a pretty dark depressive episode.

This is day 2 or possibly 3. I can’t keep track because it all gets quite blurry. I spent my days sleeping so I don’t have to think. This is bad, I know. But if you knew the bad dark twisty thoughts circling in my head, you might sleep all day too.

Credit: Pinterest

Finding Purpose

I’m struggling to find the purpose in life. I always come back here. If I’m being honest, I feel like I’m just living for my niece. Because she would not understand if I wasn’t here anymore. And perhaps me leaving this world would mess her up in a way. What about everyone else, you might ask. This is a really selfish thought, but they’re (friends and family) grownups and I think they’d understand. In the end I come back to myself and it’s just myself laying in my apartment going crazy. And then I get tired of fighting with my own mind. It’s all very tiring. If you know, you know.

BUT HERE I AM – sitting at a coffee shop writing this post. I get out of the house during these depressive episodes because I know I should. I remember back at my old apartment, I was spiraling one Friday and ended up closing the blinds. I just slept and crept around my apartment in the darkness all weekend until Monday came and I had to go to work. So I guess there’s some growth in today where I’m atleast out at the coffee shop and typing this.

This is MY blog… right?

I have the urge to write – which seems to come out when I’m feeling manic. Isn’t that when the best work comes out? (IE. Adele, Taylor Swift). I hold myself back because I’m scared of judgement, but I want to be the old me again. My younger self who wrote whatever she wanted on her xanga, asianavenue, or blogger. This is my own blog. I should be able to write whatever I want. Right….?

PS. If someone knows how to turn off those like and dislike counts on wordpress, please holla at me. They bug the shiz out of me.

Uncategorized /

Goodbye Culloden

Where do I begin with my story?

I wrote my first post about a few weeks ago and since then my thought has been, “I launched my blog, now what?”. Where do I even start?! My emotions have been a roller coaster, tossing between giving it my all or giving up before I even started.

In my last post I wrote that something changed in January earlier this year. I’ve been digging deep wondering what that was and I came up with a few factors. First off I should mention that in the last few years S.A.D (seasonal affective disorder) had been hitting me extra hard. Yes, I do have a good happy lamp.

Being S.A.D

Seasonal affective disorder (SAD) is a type of depression that’s related to changes in seasons — SAD begins and ends at about the same times every year. If you’re like most people with SAD, your symptoms start in the fall and continue into the winter months, sapping your energy and making you feel moody. These symptoms often resolve during the spring and summer months. Less often, SAD causes depression in the spring or early summer and resolves during the fall or winter months.

Mayo Clinic

Selling our Family home of 30+ Years

I knew the end of 2021 would be tough because on December 16th, 2021, we said goodbye to our family home. This house lived on Culloden street, hence the name of my blog post today, and we often just refer to it just as “Culloden”. The three months prior to December were spent packing and cleaning. We had A LOT of stuff in that family home. My grandma purchased the house in the late 70s (or perhaps the 80s). Four generations of stuff were stored there. It was the party home for every generation. I loved seeing the pictures of my grandma hosting parties. It carried down to us as my sister and I also threw parties in the home. If you know, you know.

Ella’s 1st Thanksgiving

Once Ella (my niece) was born, she became a big part of the house too. All her baby stuff was there. All to say that going through memorabilia and antiques (especially my grandma’s) was physically and emotionally hard. We emptied the house within 4 months (props to my Mom and my Aunt!). By the end of it, I was mentally holding on by a few strings. I had also just burned out from work again (one of other tough things of 2021). My mom was exhausted, body sore, and pulled a few muscles in her shoulder. Moving is no one’s favourite task and often brings out a lot of stress and tension.

The Moment My Thinking Changed

By now you know, I was an emotional wreck during this time. The pit of depression I was in seemed ongoing. When you’re in it for so long, it stops feeling like an “episode” and starts feeling just like life. I was sensitive, easily irritated, emotional, negative, cried constantly, and overall I just wanted to be left alone. Well, after we locked the door at Culloden for the last time, got in our cars and drove off.. I had something spark in my heart. I felt the strong desire to reach out. Perhaps it was in the memories that came up from months of reminiscing.

Reaching Out To Friends

I redownloaded “whatsapp” and messaged two groups that I had regularly been a part of. The funny thing is whatsapp kicks you out of groupchats if you’re inactive after some time so it totally looked like I left on my own accord. I messaged whomever created the group and asked if they could invite me back in and I said “Hi”. I remember thinking, “What am I doing?”. And “Why am I keeping the door closed on friends who have been in my life for so long and are supportive of me?”.

For some reason I didn’t see this coming.. but saying a simple “Hi” to friends opened the gates to conversation which was something I was not used to. I was used to being alone. I felt immediately overwhelmed. Panic went up and so did my need to shut down. I wanted to run from every connection. But thankfully I didn’t. Seeing it today, I made a boundary that day. I told them I was happy to reconnect, but I wasn’t used to conversing so much so I needed to take it slow. My friends understood. Of course they would, because they’re amazing. They always were. They were just happy I said hi. I think I always knew this if I asked myself, but all I could see at the time was the this cloud of depression that I was suffocating in. The thought that friends were awesome didn’t occur to me until.. well, this day.

The Silver Lining

Saying goodbye to Culloden was incredibly hard. I often reminisce about the house and the memories there, but we had to end the final chapter and put the book on the shelf. With closing the door that day, another one opened. (Funny how that quote is true.) Without it, I probably would’ve continued down my dark path, but with it open, a little light shined my way.

Uncategorized /

Start Wherever You Are

Today I am launching my blog. I don’t feel prepared or ready, but I read a quote recently that said “Start wherever you are” and it’s giving me the push to just do it.

A few months ago I came up with an idea. A passion project revolving around mental health. I wanted to spread awareness, but how? What would I share? How much do I share? Can I be consistent? What if I fail? Could I really do it? Plain old me. I knew I wanted to try. I was super excited and had all these ideas running through my head. So many things I wanted to share! The project has been delayed because when I struggle most days with the ups and downs of depression, the big setback for me when feeling down is constantly wanting to withdraw from the world. These days I could sleep 24 hours if I let myself.

I’ve been waiting for a good time to launch my blog and I don’t think there ever will be. I think it’s now, the moment I decide to begin. Today.

All my life I have been searching for a purpose. I have asked my friends and family, and even my therapist, “What is the purpose of life?”. I’m often met with “I don’t know” or most of all “Why do you need to know right now?”.

I struggle with a purpose in life and feel the need to know. I google the question. I read forums. I research and read books. Yet I know the answer is within me. When I’m even just a little tired, I question “it all”. I question why I’m here and what I am doing in this lifetime. I often wonder throughout the day what the point of everything is.

At the beginning of this year, 2022, I was coming out of a long rough patch and something changed. I felt the need to speak. Up until then, I was in my own little nutshell, withdrawn from my social circle and removed myself from most platforms and chats. I was not available to anyone and if one should manage to reach me, they would be met with a one sided conversation because honestly, I just wanted to be alone. I wanted the world to move forward without me. I started sharing little glimpses of my mental health struggles through blurbs on my instagram (natashachan) and was surprisingly met with support from strangers and even old friends/acquaintances. I mentioned my struggle with anxiety, depression, and most of all suicidality. Spoiler: depression is an awkward topic, but suicidality is even more awkward.

Some days I would make one step foward and take two steps back, because frankly, people don’t change overnight and sharing vulnerable thoughts are scary! But when I was at my best, I knew I wanted to share. For brief moments, I finally found a purpose that I’ve been longing for. I’m still working on believing in myself, but the wise woman in me wants to help others. The wise woman in me believes I can make a difference. The inner child in me still believes she can change the world one day.

That’s where the fire started for my passion project. This blog is part one. I will give you the best and worst of me through this blog, but most of all I will give you the truth. This is for anyone who has ever felt alone while going through ANY mental health issue. I see you.

My name is Natasha. Welcome to Rooting For Mental Health.