So how are you?

That’s usually how my sessions with my psychiatrist start.

I started seeing her regularly again back in 2019. Usually it’s weekly, but if I’m doing well then it’s biweekly or monthly. (It hasn’t been monthly in a really long time). Every few months I think I’m doing ok and feel like I can trek on with my life without a check in. If I’m feeling manic at all, I think it’s best for me to see her weekly so there’s some accountability there. Meaning, I don’t do anything stupid because I know I’m going to see my doctor soon.

So how is it going with me?

Well, I’m still in a depressive episode. The same one from a few days ago. I’m feeling tired, irritated, and overall just low and bothered. I came out to visit my sister for my niece’s birthday weekend. When I’m distracted and occupied I’m okay, but it’s the stagnant silence that the depressive episodes really eat at my mind. I think that’s why I try to read a lot or go for long walks or anything that really keeps my mind busy. I also tend not to sleep well when I’m not in my own bed and I have dreams full of my own anxieties and worries when I am able to sleep. I told her (my psychiatrist) all of this with a sullen voice.

I mentioned feeling hopeless and pointless. Not feeling like anything is working, and most of all not sure what I’m working towards in life. Once again, back at the place I fall every time I get into a depressive episode and then, tired of that in a whole itself. “Do you ever get tired of being you?” That’s how I feel all the time. I mentioned feeling lonely from all of that. Feeling as though I won’t ever heal myself, therefore I won’t be able to have healthy relationships all around me. Romantic and platonic.

Do you ever get tired of being you?

The question I constantly ask myself

She asked me why I didn’t think treatment is working

I told her it’s because I feel like I’m not any better? (Is this clouded judgement?) That I’m not sure if psychotherapy with my therapist does anything. We talked about my diagnosis. I’m just calling it diagnosis because I’m not ready to share what I was diagnosed with yet. Maybe next time. Maybe never. But I want to eventually.

Things we decided I need to work on:

• Set and execute a daily routine. (I really need to practice discipline and doing things when I need to, versus WANT to)
• Exercise exercise exercise
• Get started with progress on my therapy workbooks
• Eat Clean

Basically… back to basics. If I want to feel control in my life, it will start with having discipline with a concrete daily routine. With healthy habits. How hard is it? (ha)