What Really Goes on In My Head During A Manic Insomniac Episode

The most painful moments of my life are during my manic episodes. I wish I could say that by now I am used to them, but anytime I have them I never know if I will survive. I made a promise to myself to live for my niece. Yet the dark moments really test the waters.

There’s varying degrees of manic episodes for me. Depending on how big the triggers are, what is happening in my life, and how well I can use my tools. Every so often I seem to get knocked off by my worst trigger. My latest one being three days ago. The days following are filled with crazy thoughts, impulsivity, crying, lots of crying, fucked up sleep schedules, no sleep schedules because I can’t quiet my mind, self loathing, and serious isolation.

For those who want to read the truth, here is what goes through my mind when I go through a manic episode:

Disclaimer: Don’t tell me I didn’t warn you that these thoughts are crazy

i don’t belong anywhere
where do people go to disappear?
i’m a waste of skin
there is no future for me in any aspect
turns out people do want love, just not with me
sure my friends love me but they have their own lives
i’m living for ella, but is it enough?
i wish ella didn’t remember me
where is the cheapest place to live in canada
where is the cheapest place to live in the world
can you live in a tent somewhere off grid?
what does living in a tent/car for life look like?
medically assisted suicide
where is medically assisted suicide available?
will a nurse actually sign off on my suicide forms?
damn i hate my doctor
i miss my therapist
how deep do i have to cut in order to bleed out?
should i rewatch that ’13 reason why’ episode where she drowns in the tub?
my landlord would not be happy if I killed myself in this apartment
(crying)
is this what it’s like to go crazy?
should i go to the hospital?
what for? they put me on a waitlist for therapy
should i just go to a mental facility
where to stab myself if I want to never have the chance of giving birth
who knows if i can even give birth with PCOS
should i host a sale where people come to my apartment and take what they want?
what do i actually value in this apartment?
is it only 3am?
am i going to make it through the night?
switzerland provides medically assisted suicide
oh wait it is now in canada as of 2024. is that a sign?
(start to fill out medically assisted suicide forms)
i never thought i’d be this way.. looking back to highschool days. but it makes sense
should i go for a run right now to stanely park?
i should go camping far away
what if i sold/gifted everything in my apartment, lived in my car, and drove across canada
is this actually my life right now
my knives are too dull to stab myself. i should get sharper knives
or i should get my knives sharpened
how can i turn my mind off without sleeping?
this has always been me and my life. why am i surprised?
where do people go in the world to disappear?
is there a tiny home village i can move to?
searching craigslist for places that are cheap to live
maybe i should just be a sugar baby
it’s kind of wild that the hospital put me on a wait list. i thought they’re supposed to understand wild mood disorders?!
too functional to be admitted, but too fucked up to live a regular life
i should find a new therapist. it’s been a year
no money for therapy or energy to find one who understands my mood disorders (the last one said they did)
at least the sun is coming up
the birds are chirping
every day feels pointless and worthless
i have no purpose on this earth
if it wasn’t for ella i would not be here. would she be ok without me?
i’m just her auntie